Welcome to the Funeral of Hearts...

Bestie for life!

         Beeps left for Australia last Friday. The feeling was bittersweet, a part of me feel sad that I’m losing one hell of a very good listener but yet I’m thrilled at the same time that she’s pursuing something she really wants. Beeps has always been a traveler. She’s been away from home I think ever since she was 16. Easily adaptable, always manage to lead her life independently; I have no worries for her honestly. I know wherever she goes she’ll survive and better yet she’ll blend in, in any culture, at any place very well.

         So, last Friday the girls met for one last hang out session before Beeps left. We had lunch at Amarin Heavenly Thai and drove everyone there nuts. Giggling like a bunch of loonies, I’m positive that we’re as crazy as we were back in uni years. If only Ernie could join us that afternoon. It made me realized that it doesn’t matter if I can’t find any new frens anymore coz I know as long as these girls got my back, I’ll be completely fine. I lurve them to death. I only hope that after this we can manage to spend time with each other coz normally Beeps will be the ‘glue’ that always stick us girls together. Now that she went abroad we will have to work things out ourselves to hang out once in a while. It’s kinda hard though, since Elsa & I are natural born workaholics, Sophie is pre-occupied with conceiving & family planning ;) Sasha & Ernie both busy with their spouses & Zu is in the midst of planning her wedding. But I guess we’ll manage, hopefully.

         So Beeps, all the best to you, girl. I’m gonna miss you like mad & we hafta meet up in New York after this or perhaps I’ll come to Sydney ;) I will try to go online as often as I could & okay, okay I’ll figure out Facebook soon (I hope)! To the rest, I’ll try to steal some of your precious time every now & then, I promise ;) Beeps, Elsa, Sasha, Ernie & Sophie I’m SO glad to have you girls as my ever-dearest BFFs!

Marry Me, Marry Me NOT!

If there’s one more person dare to ask me when will I ever gonna get married, I swear to God I’ll buy myself a gun coz it’ll be easier to do the talking that way, a-la Godfather.

Come on, marriage is a serious matter and I refused to just compulsively jump into the whole fiasco & join those “Triple 08” gang. (Btw Triple 08 gang are the ppl who’ve decided to get married on August 8^th 2008. Interesting, eh?)

Anywho, what’s the point rushing and get myself into trouble after that. I assure you that I am not a commitment phobic and I do have a basis for this problem. When it comes to relationship I’m SO not a risk-taker. Yup, I can be brave for any other thing but not for relationship. I can be all that financially independent kinda domestic goddess who does not practice pre-marital sex but yet have enough costumes for themed sex (that I saved for my dream post-marital sex life ;p). I know I am worthy of a decent marriage but I’m just not convinced enough. Heck, I’m not even convinced to go steady with any guys (or girls – I’ve checked that out too) so far ;p

First of all, marriage is NOT about marrying someone you love & lust. Marriage is about finding a perfect partner to create a strong team. If you want a long-lasting marriage you gotta believe in what I’m saying. You can fall in love so many times within a lifespan, trust me. That’s why ppl cheat on their spouses at the first place. Love & chemistry will happen more than one time throughout your life & they can just fade away. Lust on the other hand is SO overrated since orgasmic feeling can be easily mimicked nowadays. So, the person you marry should be someone who can be a good partner, not necessarily a good lover, but a companion, a confidant & your partner in crime (whenever needed) and earnestly wanted to cooperate with you in building a future together.

To me, when it comes to a holy matrimony is always a fair mixture of business & pleasure. You don’t need your oh-so-passionate or your gorgeous hot-blooded lover, not your gay bestfriend or your mom’s-brother’s-close-relative’s son or whatever. You’ve gotta find a reliable partner whose dreams synchronize with your idea of perfect future together. It has to be with someone whom you can trust, someone whom you can lean on and at the same time treat you like his fortress, someone whom you can love & yell at the same time, someone who can handle your tantrums, your mood swings, your goddess-like demands and at the same time giving you space to do the same thing to him at your own comfy pace, someone who will let you love & cherish him your own way and most importantly, someone who will think thrice before he breaks your heart. If you managed to find someone who’s good in bed, regard it as a bonus. And for me, another anticipated bonus is someone who doesn’t fail HIV test or perhaps credit scoring i.e CCRIS & CTOS as well ;p

I want to marry a soulmate not just a good lover. I’m saving myself, my heart, my everything only for 1 guy and that guy alone. I seriously cannot handle failed marriage. To be honest this soulmate of mine could’ve already been in my life, you know. It could be a long lost acquaintance or may be the guy that I had a chat with somewhere in 2000 while we’re both still high from anesthesia (we both just had a gastro-endoscopic check in UH at that time) It could be anyone. Any guy who knows my worth.

So for the time being, stop asking question and let me have my fun. I will find that lucky guy one day but I’m in no rush. And I can still live with virgin wet dreams with multiple imaginary orgasms. Most importantly I can still stand living alone. I’ll be fine, don’t you worry.

Cinta/Lurve/Adia - A Flimsy Attempt ;p

After my first attempt of writing blog in Malay language, I found it easy to fall in love with BM again. After all BM used to be my speciality & it is still the most beautiful language I’ve ever learned. So, this will be my first ever poetry in BM, I really hope it’s okay.. Kindly feedback if you feel like it.. ;)

Cinta,

Apa benar cinta itu indah?

Aku takkan bisa mengerti

Takkan mungkin kufahami

Manisnya, hebatnya, halusnya cinta

Apa yang pasti

Cinta itu bebanku

Tiada indah yang pernah kurasa

Cuma pahit & jerihnya cinta

Yang bisa kuingati...

Luka yang kau tinggalkan masih lagi di sini

Pedihnya takkan pernah terubati

Rinduku telah lama diganti benci

Harapan sudah kukuburkan sendiri

Cinta itu tidak buta

Hanya aku yang buta setelah mengenal cinta

Cinta,

Cinta itu khilafku...

A tribute to all tattoo lovers...

My sis Inul is now officially an imaginary tattoo addict. I tried my best to comprehend her current obsession but then again, it’s Inul. She changes her hobbies all the time. Guitar, drums, baking, cross-stitching, books, skaters’ clothing shop – her dream shop etc just to name a few. She’s what we called serial hobby-changer ;p It seems like yesterday when she told me “I’m SO into cross-stitch.” and drove me up the wall with all her threads & needles. And every time she came up with a new hobby, I’d try to give her a full support (like giving her a sewing box for her to keep her cross-stitch stuffs or maybe lending her my ‘Guitar for Dummies’ book). 
So now she decided to play Kat Von D. So, as an ever-supportive kinda ‘kakak’ I’d ‘layan’ her day-dream of opening a tattoo parlor then create a show a la LA Ink/Miami Ink. We would do brain-storming session together to pitch the idea for her own show “KL Ink by Inul Von Dean”. Since this was supposed to be a local production, we kinda wonder how the show sounds like if we have it in Bahasa Melayu. We did a few shots of rehearsals to get a clearer idea of her own version of KL Ink, so here it goes :

Narrator : Denise (bukan nama sebenar) baru sahaja kehilangan rakan karibnya dalam satu kemalangan. Beliau bercadang untuk mengabadikan memori persahabatannya melalui cacah (tattoo) berbentuk bunga ros.

~ The customer enters the tattoo parlor; she’s wearing jeans & pink tank top with a folder in her left hand & a tote bag in her right. ~

IVD : Hello ;) apa yang boleh saya bantu hari ini?

Denise : Hai, saya becadang untuk mendapatkan cacah di bahagian tepi badan saya untuk memperingati kawan saya yang meninggal dunia 3 bulan lepas.

IVD : Okey, bentuk yang bagaimana yang kamu inginkan?

Denise : Saya ada membuat sedikit lakaran dan saya ada juga membuat salinan bercetak (print-out) bentuk ros yang saya mahukan. Cuma saya mahukan sedikit perubahan pada rona warna(color hues) yang bakal digunakan. Erm… dalam gambar ini warnanya terlampau keunguan (too purplish), apa pendapat kamu kalau kita gunakan tona merah jambu yang ada sedikit rona ungu di dalamnya?(pink hue with a hint of purple.)

IVD : Oh, okey. Saya rasa ianya sangat cantik. Adakah kamu mahukan tinta keemasan di keliling(gold lining) bunga itu supaya ia nampak seperti di bawah sinaran matahari, atau kamu mahu ia nampak betul-betul grafik?

Denise : Oh, baik sekali, kerana ia akan nampak lebih semulajadi (natural).

IVD : Sangat sempurna(Perfect!). Mahukah kamu membuat apa-apa tulisan dibawahnya.
Denise : Oh, ya… saya perlukan pendapat kamu, yang mana satu lebih bermakna, “kawan selamanya”(Frens 4eva) atau “persahabatan tak akan mati” (Friendship never dies)?

IVD : Atau mungkin kamu mahu cuba “kawan dalam hidup & mati” (Friends for life & death)? Tapi ini hanya cadangan saya sahaja. Kamu boleh pilih mana yang lebih kamu suka ;)

Denise : Oh, ia sangat bermakna. Terima kasih.

IVD : Okey saya akan mula melakar, bolehkah kamu datang kembali selepas 1-2 jam untuk memulakan proses mencacah (to start tattooing)?

Denise : Okey, tak ada masalah. Jumpa lagi!

~ So the customer came back & did the tattoo. After everything’s done, let’s take a look of the reaction when she first saw the tattoo. ~

IVD : Okey, kamu dah bersedia? Apa pendapat kamu tentangnya?

Denise : Ya Tuhan! (Oh my God!) Ianya sangat anggun (gorgeous) Saya akan menangis sekarang(I’m so gonna cry right now). Warnanya memang tepat seperti yang saya idamkan. Ianya sangat sempurna. *starting to shed tears*

IVD : Saya gembira kamu menyukainya. ;)

Denise : Ya, saya amat menyukainya… terima kasih.

Personal Interview with yet another satisfied customer:

Denise : Semenjak saya kehilangan kawan saya, saya rasa sangat sedih dan hidup saya penuh kekosongan. Tapi selepas mendapatkan cacah ini, saya rasa kematiannya tidak lagi menjadi satu penghalang, pada saya, Karen sentiasa berada di sisi saya. Saya rasa lebih kuat semangat sekarang. Inul telah melakukannya dengan baik sekali, ini kali pertama saya mendapatkan cacah dan saya rasa dia sangat lembut & berhati-hati ketika mencacah saya sebentar tadi.

So this is roughly how it sounds like, Inul’s very own “KL Ink”. It’s hilarious really! Our BM really sucks nowadays. But neways, here a note to my sis. Inul, before we even open a tattoo parlor for you, can you please practice on your sketches first? And better yet improve that handwriting sis! Hahaha! *diabolical laughter*
Anywho, Cheers to all tattoo lovers out there!

P/S: Inul, no matter how weird your interests are, we love your Trisomy 21 just fine…

My Yearly Self Evaluation

~I was supposed to post this entry on the New Year’s eve itself but due to some unforeseen circumstances it was a bit delayed.~

So, 2007 came & about to go. This is the year that has taught me the most about real life. It’s definitely less superficial, less dramatic in 2007 I must say ;) and I’ve been coping with adulthood better as well.

I somehow managed to go thru what I’ve planned earlier this year – that is to be more playful than before in 2007. Bottom line is, this is the same cycle I’ve been thru for the past few years. Whenever I feel a bit playful, I stick to my “serious” plan and whenever I’m sick & tired of being serious, I go back to being playful again. So, as expected I’m gonna be more serious this coming 2008. There will be less partying, less ‘fling-ing’ & maybe perhaps starting my master’s degree, insyaAllah. I’ve also been considering plans to work overseas but I dunno yet. Those plans are yet to be refined.

I dunno about the rest of you but my 2007 was not bad at all. A few frens gained & most flings ditched but all in all the people that I met this year taught me a lot of things. I guess somewhere along the road when my life interconnected with these very very memorable people, I found back my real self, the one that I lose in an emotional trauma I had in 2001. I am back, people. Wiser, harder at heart and day by day everything seems so clearer to me now. I know who my real frens are, I know who can teach me the most about life, I can skim the best party people from all my acquaintances and yet at the same time I managed to distinguish among these people, there are some who can really be my cry-buddy. God is indeed fair, no qualms on that. I’m grateful that even with my legendary negativity & skepticism; I still found true frens surrounding me. I guess I’m really blessed ;)

Nevertheless, 2007 has failed to deliver my soulmate to me though ;) I am still unattached until now but I won’t complain. Even if true love is far from my grasp but I did witness a fairy-tale like wedding at the end of 2007 – Sasha’s wedding, a few love-miracles on silver screen i.e Stardust & Enchanted movie, frens falling in & out of love and I myself have encountered a few near-love (more like a near-death) experience ;) So, at the end of the day I realized I still do believe in love. Even in the city of broken dreams where fairy tales & love stories ceased to exist; love somehow prevails.

Well, let’s us all make a toast for the coming 2008 – may love, luck, fortune & happiness will crown this coming year & years to come. Hopefully this year I’ll embrace life more, make sufficient time to spend with all my closest frens & never give up on my dreams of finally finding my ‘personal legend’ ;)  Cheers!

"h.a.z.e"

Precious,

You never failed to make me smile

Those littlest things that you do

How you giggled at our jokes

How you rolled your eyes every time I said something crazy

How you always exaggerate that slang

You can really make me laugh, didn’t I tell you?

Yet I kept telling myself

I must learn not to get used to it

Coz chances are one of these days

You’ll stop being a part of my life

You could just walk away from me anytime you want

And when you eventually leave me behind

I know I’ll be crushed

I know I can no longer pretend that I’m okay

I know I can’t have that hearty laugh anymore

So, let me leave all these before it happens

I can’t be forever picking up the pieces

And keep trying to mend my heart

I’m fragile if you could notice

And I can’t walk alone in hazy days anymore

My heart has slowly refused to see the light

So, please let me go, far away from all of this

Before I get myself lost again…

You..

You captivate me with your smiles

Made me believe that you’re almost an angel

Then you pierce my soul with your beautiful eyes

But who knows you could be the devil...

You made me feel crazy at times

Not knowing what’s happening for sure

You left me dazed & confused

And then made me crave for more...

You made me laugh

You made me wanna sing out loud

Yet you can make me scream sometimes

And made me wanna punch pillows

You made me happy and sad through & through

But I don’t mind to shed a tear or two for you...

You rock my world just by being you

How you made me feel at peace whenever you’re around

How you light up my day whenever I see you

Those answers are yet to be found…

So thanks again for being you...

to psycho-analyze me is to lurve me ;)

Librans in general are nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind - silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with. Or you might end up crying...

For the ones who were born on the 14th of October, you have a great interest in, and eye for, form and structure. You would make a good architect, interior decorator, designer, or any profession that combines art and structure. You are highly intelligent, with strong "right brain" and "left brain" skills. You have a mischievous, almost childlike side to you, and your creativity is strong. You make success look easy, but the truth is, you are very willing to work hard for it...

You will not be easily swayed by the opinions of those around you, you possess strong mental powers. You are able to achieve pretty much anything you set out to do. You can also be quite stubborn! However, you are also quite friendly and likable. You are attracted to people who are down to earth and practical...

'Ambiguious'

I thought I knew

I hope I knew

Every single thing about you

Before things got out of hands

I want to believe that it’s true

Well I hope it’s not true

Damn, you sealed your lips so tight

And left me feeling restless

Trying to figure out

Trying to elucidate

But I just could not fathom your ambiguity

Are you the kind who I thought you were?

Are you the person whom you portrayed to be?

Could something unpredictable happen here?

Or maybe you’re just letting me chasing shadows

Maybe you’re just into the game as much as I do

And maybe we should play until we get sick of it

Oh, how I wish you care to answer me

Though I think I can still keep up with this game

But chances are I’m capable of falling

And if I were to fall I don’t wanna fall alone

So please, give me a sign

Any hint, any clue

Any way, any how you want it…

Nothin in specific...

Love vs. Hate

There’s a saying, “If Love is a coin, Hate would be on the other side of it”, or something like that. What it means is only with one flip, love and fondness can turn into pure hatred and vice versa. I couldn’t agree more on this. I can list down all the people that I grew fond of and end up hating them, as well as having to fall for the people that I hate the most. Weird thing, love is.

“There's a fine line between love and hate.
And I don't mind.
Just let me say that
I like that
Well, I like that”    

Breaking Benjamin “The Diary of Jane”

One hell of a good excuse

Love is the only valid reason for whatever stupid things you’ve done before. It’s only fair to use love to explain why you’re still waiting for him to come around after all this time, why do you still love him even though he broke your heart over and over again and the best thing is, love makes all your stupidity seems so logical. The science & the mystery of love, who could’ve ever unravel it?

“Stones taught me to fly,
Love taught me to lie,
Life taught me to die,
So it's not hard to fall,
When you float like a cannonball…”

Damien Rice “Cannonball”

HP and The Deathly Hallows...

I found myself mourning at the wee hour for Severus Snape, the unsung hero. His love for Lily is an emblem of eternity. Wanna know why he asked Harry to look at him before he died? So that he can imagine he’s looking into Lily’s eyes, he wanted it to be the last thing he saw right before his last breath. Tragic isn’t it? He taught us one thing for sure, if you’re so much in love with a person even if you can’t be with him or her, that doesn’t mean the love that you have must die the moment that person walk out of your life. There's a saying “Cinta tak semestinya bersatu.” a phrase I learned from this 90’s comic called “Kartini” I know how it feels & I do believe in it.

Ah, love… Always sucha mystery.

For Girls Eyes Only

Brace yourself for I’m about to make a nasty confession…

Of all the things in the world, there would be one subject that never failed to fascinate me the most. Jerks. Ah, I am a natural jerks-magnet, aren’t I? Not by chance though, it’s solely based on my choice. I’m good at dating jerks, let’s just face it. Most of you might wonder who with a sane mind would enjoy dating jerks? And why on earth would I choose to date jerks? Easy. This is the only way I can have the non-committing relationship, you know, having the chance to get involved with someone without having to surrender your emotion completely. I’m talking about dates after dates (and a whole lotta lip-service) without having to put your heart & virginity at stake. Smart girls who fell in love using their brain would understand what I’m talking about. And just like how guys keep up with their flavor of the week, I happen to enjoy the same exciting affair. (Damn, I’d do anything to keep the adrenaline pumping!) I keep my jerk-schedule alright.

So, how do I recognize a jerk? At the first glimpse, you can differentiate jerks by their sexual tendency. I know, I know… Men will definitely try to get into your pants, but jerks they would try harder. Owh, trust me, he can be nearly as old as your dad but still talking dirty & willingly offered to show you a few bedroom tricks. So it’s quite easy to spot these so-called hot-blooded sex-crazed jerks, don’t you think? Jerks are also defined as guys who date you even if they have the girlfriend or fiancé or wife or wives+kids waiting for them at home, guys who expect you to pay for everything if you make more money than him, and guys that are easily be bought by materials. I’m talking about real cheap lurve here. Jerks are also guys who said that they wanted to spend time with you but they’re always too busy to do so but can somehow make the time magically appear once you pop out the “Wanna come over?” question. They’re the ones who said they’ll call but they don’t, which are slightly better than jerks who give you missed-calls and expecting you to call them back. (Btw I personally think that missed-calling ppl is the cheapest way to have a conversation, yikes!).

But old jerks, ‘small-sized’ jerks, scrumptious jerks, legendary jerks, jerks in the making or pro jerks, above all the bad characteristics, I still found myself feeling impressed with the level of confidence they exude whenever they’re with me. Kudos to them, really. Knowing the hard-headed, temperamental ol’ me, I always crave for strong, confident man who knows what he’s having & what he’s doing. I’m not that easy to handle after all.

But as always, even if I found the right ‘jerk’ to get serious with I’d still find it hard to completely fall in love, I think it got something to do with my instinct. My intuition has never failed me off late.

But yeah, boys will be boys & jerks will be jerks. Sometimes they arrogantly think that we’re so smitten by their charms that they often overlooked to read between the lines. Yes, I can fake it & pretend that I’m so into this person and at the same time sneering silently at his shallowness. And the best part is I can make them think they’re guilty of two-timing their spouse with me when in fact they were the one who’s being two-timed of by me. Being the superficial drama queen is really worth it.

So, my point is quality men are harder to find nowadays. Trust me, girls, when I say any good man can have the tendency to become a jerk but for one good jerk to be a better man is highly unlikely to happen. If you found yourself caught in a one-way relationship (as in you giving & him taking) then get out of it & run as fast as you can. Jerks are after all the sweetest toxic. They’ll ‘kill’ you sooner or later. Fooling around once in a while is fine but life is not all about having someone to warm your bed. Think thrice before doing any ‘leap of faith’ with the man you thought you love. Yes I understand he rawks your world and all but to them life still begins at 40. Bottom line is know your self-worth and appreciate it, only you can love yourself the best, not your mom, not your boyfriend and definitely not the guy whom you met last week at a club. May divine love be on our side, cheers to all the girls!

"10.07.07"

"Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back"...

p/s: Heppi 17th Burfday to you... I love you and now I know that I could never feel complete coz you've always been that missing pieces all this while...

Messy Webb

It’s a shame that I have to fall for your soul

I caught a glimpse of its beauty

And now I find it hard to let go

You said all the right words in such perfect timing

Effortlessly you’ve captured me

Now I’m bounded by my own craving

Of having you near me…

I’m known to be one of your many games

You have no rights to play me like this

It’s not like I’m trying to own something that I can’t claim

But it’s the sounds of your voice that put me at ease…

You saw me through my darkest hour

You’ve patched up the hollow part of me

But I’m done with praying and hoping

That you’ll be mine and mine completely

Just leave if you’ve got nothing to say

Else please tell me that you need me

Or help me untangle myself from this messy webb

I know & you know that I’m good at being free…

"H8"

She’s now at the lowest point of her life. The smile that she’s wearing is a tired disguise. She couldn’t care much about the world because she’s too consumed with the overwhelming feelings that she has inside. The feelings of self-hate; she loathe herself, at some point she just wanted to kill herself.

She felt trapped & smothered. If only she could be someone else. Run away and live as one of the un-named. There’s a lot of things going on the she just don’t know how to deal with it. She hates herself for always getting into trouble. She hates herself for always get caught in messy relationships. She hates herself for unable to stand up against her loved ones. She hates herself for always being too forgiving. She hates it that she’s unable to respond ordinarily. She just hates it that she can’t handle confrontation very well.

She hates everything about her. She just doesn’t want to be her for a while. Until everything recede to normal. If only she could. But there’s just no way out now. She just has to swallow everything and fake a pretty smile. It’s not that hard to do even when she’s crying from the inside. Even if her battered soul finds it hard to keep moving on. She will smile for the whole world again.

Weird Valentine's

So Valentine’s comes & Valentine's goes. Not much action for me this year but I must point out one thing – roses & chocolates are kinda overrated this year. Hey, I’m not feeling envious here but I figure we could use a little change on this 7^th year of the millennia.

Yeah, it’s the same ol’ same ol’ Valentine’s for me this year, yet another date-less Valentine’s but this time it was solely up to my choice.  I had to work during Valentine’s eve, on the day itself and only the day after I got my offday. So what I did was, I went to see The Holiday alone and just have fun with myself. Actually I did ask a guy out for an outing that day but he told me he was busy. Another guy on the other hand was begging me to kidnap him ;) (whatever that means coz kidnap is such a strong word, don’t you think ;) haha!) But in the end I just spend the day alone, hanging out at my favorite mall. And those quality moments alone got me thinking – if I was given the chance to spend Valentine’s with any person, dead or alive, who would it be?

It didn’t take me that long to answer coz I know deep in my heart there’s only one person that I’d die to spend another day with, if possible. My late youngest bro, Ahmad Danial Dean, he left so abruptly I didn’t even had the chance to say goodbye. If he’s still alive, he would be 17 on the 10^th of July this year.

I can’t help but to imagine how it would be when he’s at this age. He must be as charming as he was before. He got this shy eyes and sweet smiles. Adam, my nephew resembles him in many ways but Adam won’t be as cute as Danial, all of us agreed on that. And Adam won’t be as sweet as he was. Danial is like the sweetest baby on earth! Never naughty, never grumpy, always listen to you and he never throw stuffs at you ;) And he can’t even pronounced my name correctly ;p haha! Yeah, he’s sucha sweetheart to all of us. But yeah, what would he be if he is still alive? Would he be as vain as his elder sisters since Duoy, Inul and I would definitely pamper him like mad.

Sometimes it almost feels like he doesn’t remember me at all. Maybe he’s not even proud of what I’ve become. And maybe he wouldn’t agree with my acceptence towards his death. And maybe this time I can explain to him why I never dared to visit his grave and why I prefer to be in a state of denial by thinking that he’s somewhere else, living with some relative in Johor (this is a sick story that I came up with to console myself. Stupid, aren’t I?)

So, it’s true, there’s a saying that you’ll never know what you’ve got till it’s gone. If only God grant me this wish of mine…

Anathema III

Anathema

Is what you’ve become

Hateful

It is all I see in you

Your face is an epitome of disgust

I’m sick to my stomach

Can’t even stand the sound of your voice

Everything about you is just plain detestable

I want you to vanish from my sight

I want you to crumble down

And be with the earth

Where you deserve to be

Go, be blown away

Don’t ever dare to look this way

With all of my might I’m gonna curse you

You won’t get what you want

Not until I completely forgive you...

Bleeding Is Believing...

Give me a different kind of pain

Just felt the urge to cut myself again

I need one hell of a distraction

To take me away from my obsession…

After all bleeding is all I need to do

To take my mind off of you

It’s the only way to redeem myself

From all the sins, from all the filth…

So let me bleed physically

It’s far less cruel than to hurt me emotionally

And maybe I can stop this crap once & for all

And save myself from this tragic fall…

I can’t be forever pleasing you

Which I’ve tried so hard to

Willing to try but all my efforts are getting burn

When all I get is hurt & rejection in return…

I can send you a thousand love songs

But to you love songs are just love songs

I’ve failed when you refuse to unravel those words

I’ve failed each time you chose to deny those words…

So forgive me for unable to express

For all those words that I longed to confess

Wish I could woo you with a beautiful sonnet

But I grieve the fact that I’m not a poet…

So just leave me here on the floor

Just go, don’t look back before you close the door

Leave me alone, dejected & bleeding

Coz after all bleeding is believing…

"Heart II"

I forgot where I put my heart today

Maybe I left it at someone else’s place

Feeling insignificant like a stray dog

Out of touch & out of luck

Maybe I’ve bruised my heart so bad this time

No chance of getting it back

Coz I’m already on the fast track…

It makes me wonder

Is it true that heart is

The loneliest place on earth?

Because without it I’m not lonesome

Even if crestfallen I've become

I’m just feeling bleak & blank

This recurring numbness

Every single time without fail

Whenever I feel like I don’t know what to do with this life

Whenever I fell in & out of love

Whenever I don’t get what I’m praying for

Whenever I lost hope…

Heaving hard is all I can do

Not sure whether I wanna get my heart back

Coz without it I feel fine

Or I should just let myself

Be this loveless and cold

Anomalous & emotionally disabled

I’m out of clue

I just don’t know what to do…

But heart, don’t you fail me now

You’ve been doing just fine

Just hang in there for a while

I’ll come and get you some other time…

Giving Up A Dream...

Life is beautiful. Well at least this is what it was portrayed to be. It is in fact, a reason not to die young and a reason why we all should cherish it. But to define beauty is too hard to do. It’s almost fluid; it can’t be grasped or be put in exact words as beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. To analyze the phrase itself, it’ll take more than just 25 years of living this life. But as for me, 25 years of living has helped me to get a clearer idea what a beautiful life should be. Although I know all these things are impossible for me to have it again but at least they’re already serve their purpose by making me believe, after all those shitty years I’ve been through, life is indeed beautiful.

I used to dream about this life and always be too idealistic about it. I can just list out what I want from this life. Love was one of them. Well, that’s the only thing that I have to ask after all, because that’s the only thing that I’m still not able to provide albeit the fact that I’m very self sufficient. This is the thing that, as much as I hate to admit it; I have to depend on others to make it happen.

I used to wish to have someone who would love me unconditionally, someone to witness my life. That someone who would let me cry on his shoulder and tells me that everything’s gonna be alright every time I need to hear it. To have someone to accompany me on slow moving traffic on a Saturday night. Someone to whisper my name to my ear, just for the sake of saying it, out of no reason. Someone who would smile at me adoringly and hold my hands every time I feel off beat. And to have that someone to say “Goodnight, I love you!” night to night before I go to sleep. I never ask for too much materially. Just those small small gestures that would ensure me that I am loved. Too detailed you might say but at least I have the idea of what love should be. But these are the things that I have to let go now. These are the God-forsaken dreams that I no longer wish to keep. Because I know I would never get it so, why keep on hoping when there’s no hope to speak of.

Close frens I knew always said that I’m not giving myself a chance. That I’m too afraid to fall in love again just to avoid myself from being hurt and that I’m too scared to let go. It’s true I’ve been keeping my heart so safely that I refuse to open up to anyone. It’s always that superficial, very on-the-surface kinda relationship that would last for about a month or so. Not that I’m heartbreaker but people just don’t get and don't have what I’m looking for. Sometimes it’s more that those physical stuff – like hugging and kissing. At times, a decent deep and meaningful conversation is all I’m asking for. Maybe I’m just complicated and I don’t blame people if they find it hard to comprehend my intricate heart. I’m just being myself. By giving up my hope and dream to fall in love again I know I’m gonna miss out a lot but I won’t complain. I’ve already made a choice.

Some might judge me for being a pessimist but hey, I think I’ve sorted out my priorities well for this coming 2007 alright. And further more I’m not at the losing end here. At least this year I did meet my match, a guy whom I find very intellectually challenging to me – yup, there is a guy here in Malaysia that totally made me feel intimidated (finally!) and left me awe-struck (but nothing happen though). And also I am so sure that I’m not (ehem) ‘confused’ anymore. It’s not how long you experience things that count; it’s more on how you unravel the in-depths of it that matters. I can conclude that I comprehend love better that some of them who’s been in a relationship for years. Thus, making me see the beauty in life more than most people do. But then again, this is just my personal opinion ya. So, correct me if you must.

"A Twisted Thought"

Paint a picture perfect

Color it with black & red

For it represents this life

Of pure darkness and lies…

Sketch a smile on a hideous face

Put a crown of self disgrace

Carve those nasty scars full of pain

All over it, again and again

Around the neck, around the wrists

As an emblem of forged bliss

Wrap around the cloak stained with mud

Let everything drench in blood…

Then just paint the moon sad

Wipe out the stars, they’re plain façade

And the trees should all be dead

Beneath the red sky so wounded

Then put the sun at one corner

But put a black cloud on it    

To be a sick reminder

That life was made of deceit…

Paint whatever you like

Paint them good, paint them hard

Then wash your hands with a bucket of tears

Frame the picture perfect, and hang them dear…

"Anathema"

Here I am, alone in the darkness, it’s yet another sleepless night. This deafening silence that surrounds me just numbs all my senses. Slowly, very wide awake, I’m drifting away into the world of my own. Loneliness is still my best company. But along with this heartache, it’s such a torrid affair. I still can endure this though, as long as I can still think of you in this solitary hour.

It’s a shame, honestly, how we could end up this way, me with this unforeseen peculiar craving and you with your cold cold heart. I just wonder how our path can crossed at the first place. It’s almost like a dream that I dreamt of so many nights but in the end it turns stale. Whatever it is, I figured, I’m allowing myself to become more & more addicted to this dream. A silly way to keep this fantasy lives on.

So, yet again, I found myself still awake in this odd hour. I don’t know why but it’s as if there’s no longer a need for me to sleep. Too agitated to even close my eyes for a while. I fear that within a blink, I won’t be able to look at you the same way before.

This is it! I’m reaching the final point. If I meant to be restless for the rest of life then so be it. I’m just so scared to let this feeling go away. Too consumed and it’s as if I was possessed by you coz it’s always been you all around me. You’re my air, my sky & my nights and now you’ve become my sleep, my dreams. The more I realize how forbidden you are the stronger I clutched to this foolish delusion.

            I know I’m going to hurt me somehow by giving myself such a forlorn hope. It’s like I’m hanging myself without a rope but I’d be more hurt if I just let it be. It’s not that I’m trying to fight fate but I’m doing this to provide some artificial happiness. A daft solution that I managed to find in this desperate hours. To see you smile & laugh with me day by day is all I asked for but I guess it didn’t work out this way at your end. It’s a shame that we just drifted apart. I seem to lose all words to express how I still need you in my life. But there’s a relentless part of me that wanted you to stay away. To make me stop wanting you, refusing to succumb to my lust coz I know eventually it will leave me high and dry. Trust me, if I could run away far from you, I would!

            This is so disheartening, I mean, the feeling of wanting something that you can’t have is too suffocating for me to handle. Overwhelmed and worn out, I just need a breakaway but can I manage to find serenity in this chaotic situation? Can I live with the fact that this is not what I was looking for? Yet can I choose to stay addicted to this illicit desire for your unrequited love?

            I know things won’t be the same after this so, forgive me if my weakness is such a nuisance to you. Please know that I’m trying hard to get things under control and hell, I almost thought that I was okay. But the truth is I’m tired of being a love-sick puppy chasing you around. So, before I done further damage, for the best of both of us just let me be an anathema to your pure soul.

A Tribute to Our Frenship

~this one is dedicated to all my Asasi frens especially Beeps, Leen, Ernie, Lyn, Da, Ca, Sasha, Raha, Fiqa, the one in Sweden, anyone whose name x mentioned but has known me personally during our Asasi years, this one is for you gurls!~

You made me laugh, I wiped your tears

It’s been too long, we’ve been frens for years

Anytime, anywhere, I’ll always put you first

I’ll stand by you, for better for worst

We played along, those naughty childish games

We rise & fall, sharing the same fame

Our likings, wavelengths are all the same

Our frenship’s legendary, we definitely carved a name

But years pass by, we went our own way

It’s sad but true, sometimes we went astray

No more hanging out anytime we want

It’s seems too hard for us to have fun

But still we try to make time for each other

For this frenship has bound us together

Though sometimes there’s a gap every now & then

But once we’re frens we’ll always be frens

So wherever you are, whatever you do

Just keep in your heart that our frenship is true

Across the sea to the sky above

As long as you can remember the love

For we’ve been frens for far too long

Let’s forgive & forget what we’ve done wrong

And keep this frenship till the time is through

Just remember you have me & I’ll always have you…

p/s: I’m gonna miss you like mad, Beeps!!!

Persuasion

You take care of me but you don’t see that I’m bleeding

You keep me warm but don’t you know that I’m shivering

You touch my face but can you feel the flow of my tears?

You’ve known me so long; did you ever acknowledge my fears?

Sometimes it does feel like we’re both just total stranger

It’s as though we’re destined not to be with each other

Every time we’re closer there’s always something disconnected

And I honestly don’t want to be broken-hearted

Nope. Not again.

Not that I’m vain

I just need a break from this confusion

That had caused me this delusion

Of you finally gonna be mine

After I waited for quite some times

But I know chances are it’s not gonna happen

For you & I both quite aware of the reason

So, leave me before I fall for you again

Leave me while I can still cry in the rain

Can’t risk it that you’ll see me shatter

I just want to convince you that I’m getting better

Even if I’m ruined from the inside

This pain I still can easily hide

If all of this gonna be ended today

If you could just give me the final say

So that we can both move on with our lives

So that we can bury all of our lies

So I can forgive you yet again

And forget about all the pain

Long Lost Frenship

     I can’t help but to browse through some of the long-forgotten profiles in Frenster, the ones that used to be in my ‘Frens’ list but somehow ended up being deleted from the list. It’s a long story how did I get so pissed with them and how hard I’ve tried to erase them from my life, but the thing about human relation is, once you knew a person, whether he/she is merely an acquaintance, or be it a fren or a foe, u just simply can’t make them vanish from your life or your memory. Once they’ve been registered up there in your head it is definitive that they meant to stay ‘there’ for a very long time. Unless you have a case of amnesia or you’re too deep in catatonia, then only you can break free from all those memories. How I wish!

     Okay, back to the story. About frenship, I’m actually the kind of person (whether I like it or not) who truly values frenship. I would sacrifice anything and everything for a fren. Hell, I even would take a bullet for any of my fren! But there’s a price to pay, it’s very expensive but it can’t be bought or sold, for it’s so priceless. It’s the only thing that I ask from a fren but it’s the thing that only a few people could give to me. TRUST. Is it too much to ask for or is it just another term that people used to fool me and get a way with it? Even though right now I am okay and I’ve held my head up to the sky, looking forward for the future and all, but I just cannot help it that sometimes as I sit and reminisce my past, I feel hurt and angry every time think of how people have messed with my trust all these years. Trust is definitely a big issue to me nowadays.

Back-stabbing, betrayal, lies and deceit (or other forms of breach of trust) are some of the descriptions of my annual event. 2003? 1998? 1995? Name a year and I surely have a story to tell about the darker side of frenship.   

     Can’t help but to wonder, is it me or just people lurve to pull up that kind prank on me? Why can’t trust be a two-way connection? All through these years, I’ve put brick after brick one day at a time, to build a protective wall so I can be safe and sound inside my so-called fortress. I even came up with the term ‘disposable frens’ (and have been trying to practice it, mind you that!) just to compensate the pain of betrayal that I’ve been through.

     But people who knew me well, my closest frens that is, they all know that I’m such a softie at heart. Full of forgiveness, sees the best in everybody, yadaa yadaa… Yeah, again. WHY ME??? Why can’t I be that cold, heartless bitch that I SO wanted to be? Why can’t I just hate them, why can’t I loath all the people who have betrayed my trust?

Why, God, why?! Hmm… I dunno, I seriously don’t.

     As always, I failed to understand how life works. It’s so disheartening but this is the fact and I just have to live and bear with it. I have to accept the fact that I am kind at heart and I could never be that bitch that I longed to be.

     So, to all my estranged frens, here’s a message for you guys. We’ve been together for so long, we knew each other well and we lived those happy moments side by side, we even cried the same sad tears. I’ve been there for you guys through your ups and downs and you guys knew what kinda commitment I could give to you guys. So, for the first time, I’m swallowing my pride, push aside my ego to ask you guys this. Let’s make amend to the past, relive those glorious moments, set a side our differences, left behind all those grudges and dissatisfaction and for once, just let us be frens again. We can start it all over again; it’s never too late to save our frenship. Get in touch with me, okay…

Lotsa lurve,

Ida R. Dean

It is so hard growing up

       Do you still remember this song by Baz Luhrmann "Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"? It was such a hit during the year 1997/98; somewhere at that time. There's one verse in the song that goes like this...

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…

Most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives...

and the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t…"

       Well, I guess it’s kinda obvious that I happen to be a 23 year-old (I’ll be 24 this October, folks!) who still doesn’t know what to do with her life. Sad but true, I’ve learned an important lesson in life, having a bachelor’s degree doesn’t guarantee that you would know what you are supposed to do with your life. (Yup, find a job and save some money to buy a house, a car and maybe a husband.) Yeah rite! As easy as it may sound but are you sure you’re truly, honestly happy doing that thing you called a career? What’s the point of having a job that wears you out and squeeze every living morsel of your soul? And by counting your annual bonus is the only way to convince yourself that you’re happy? This is why most of Malaysians are emotionally stressed and eventually became mentally ill.

       There’s always a time, at some point of your life, you’d come across a junction where you have to choose what’s best for you. Tricky I might say, but what’s trickier is to make sure what you chose is the best for people around you as well. A quick yet thorough judgment is needed to obtain that perfect combo. This is where you use all your wit, sharp instinct and a precise decision in order to determine the next best thing. Book-smart or street-smart, take your pick.

       So here I am, sitting, evaluating and thinking about what should I do with my life. Yes, if looking back when I was 12, I was once that girl who’s always too enthusiastic about doing science and being a scientist when I grow up. But 12 years later, it’s another different story. I’ve lost all the passion that I once had for science. I just don’t have that drive, that energy to be what I’ve been told to be. I know my parents are looking forward to live that day when I’ll make a huge discovery or maybe even win the Noble Prize. But even now, as I was typing up the whole scenario, I cringed at the thought of being a slave to science. (Being told to become a geneticist alone is already too hard to swallow.) The thing is, I wasn’t so sure whether I truly hated science or is it just another symptom of late-teenage crisis. Huhu! (Me, 23 = late teen? It could be, you know... It can't be that bad, aight?)

       I’ve spent most of my time with some hair pulling and nail-gritting activities and the more I think of it, the more I realized that I might never know what am I going to do with my life. Everyday and every night I’ve been haunted by this infinite anxiety of not knowing where life would take me to. A part of me feel so scared but there’s another part of me that somewhat anticipate each new day, hoping that it’ll somehow bring out the best for me. At this particular moment I can’t help but wonder how did my frens survived this ordeal. Urgh! It’s eating me alive, man!

       Maybe I’ve already reached the final resort. There’s only one thing to do. Extreme measure for desperate time. I might as well find a simple job only by using my SPM result. As foolish as it may sound but if that’s the only thing that could make me happy, why don’t I just give it a shot. It’s so happened that most of my desired jobs only require minimum qualification. I seriously don’t know what are the chances of getting a job by concealing the fact that I do have a degree. But I’m gonna try it anyway. I don’t care if you people gonna judge me but I just wanna get me some happy ;p So, I just crossed my fingers and pray with all of my might and hope for the best. I was born a fighter and I’m gonna do this one thing that I’m actually good at. Fight the fate, against the odds and just try my luck. If you wanna support my decision, please, you’re most welcomed. But if you’re not, then stay out of my way. Well I hate to be the bearer of the bad news but, yeah, that applies to you too, mom + dad…

P/S: Maybe I’m gonna change my mind about this coz I just found out that I passed the PTD exam that I took last June. Me, a diplomat or maybe even a big shot government officer? Hmm… interesting!

"Mirror Image"

by Me, Myself and I ;p

Who’s the girl with that mournful smile

She seemed happy but it’s a sad guile

She stood there, just staring at me

Asking me to tell her what did I see

I realized that I knew her from my past

I can’t believe she has grown up so fast

Though she’s once a nobody’s child

Now she’s evolved, all wayward and wild

But there’s a lonely child still trapped inside

It’s hard for her to keep running and hide

From the outside world, so cold and cruel

So, she tucked herself instead, alone in that cradle

I saw the hidden fear behind those teary eyes

She tried her best to conceal it with lies

But it’s so obvious as I look at her

I can see she’s hurting, I can feel her suffer

A pang of guilt seeped into my heart

I wanted to cry for her but I have to play smart

So, I just threw her one sweet smile

When in fact I’m choked with sadness so vile

For her sake, I need to create a better world

So I could comfort this lost little girl

But when she smiles back, she gives me the shiver

As I now realized that I’m looking into a mirror

To Err is Human

~excerpt from the Heartbreak Journal Vol.2, dated back in March 2005~

I miscalculated the whole thing,

This is something that I hafta live with everyday,

Wrong decision, wrong action, wrong timing,

As if I planned to shove you away

My mistake haunts me,

I need to stay sane,

I longed to be guilt-free,

But I have caused you this pain

I wonder as I stare blankly out of my window,

How can I go through these sleepless nights?

I’ve been trying to catch a glimpse of your shadow,

Now that you are nowhere, so out of sight

I couldn’t find a way to describe,

How sorry I am for causing this disaster,

Regret is now my only vibe,

But not to love you, it’ll only make me falter

Would you still allow me to love you?

And to miss you, to still dream about your face,

I see how you moved on, you’re happy with your boo,

But can I help it you’re a loss that I can’t replace?

I want to love you so please let me,

Even if you don’t want me anymore,

I wanna think that we’re always be,

So much in love, just like before

While I’m so caught up in this mess I’ve made,

I just wish you could throw me one last smile,

And be with me so this heartache will fade,

And be in love again to prove that our love’s worthwhile

Since I lost your love,

Everything deteriorate,

I threw away blessings from above

But to realize it now, I guess it’s too late…

Just Put Me to Sleep

~excerpt from Heartbreak Journal Vol.1, dated back in May 2003~

Leaves are falling down,
As they rain in this dreadful storm,
The feeling gets heavy,
Tried my best to keep me warm

You have left me behind,
With this world that you’ve created,
It feels like I’m going blind,
As the memories faded

Memories of your smile,
And your child-like grin,
I'd like them stay here for a while,
I’ll make sure of it, by all means

I don’t wanna ever let it go,
At least not yet,
I still wanna let you show,
That you’ll never forget

Because I can’t live a day,
Thinking the you’re gonna forget me somehow,
And I don’t wanna live this day,
If you plan to leave me now

Just let me sleep through and through,
Don’t wake me up, ever!
Please let me die in blue,
Don’t let me see how my world shatters,
Not until you come back to me,
Not until then,
So, let me sleep, let me dream,
Until this storm ends…

Mirage of an intricate mind is what this is all about.

There she was the unsuspecting victim. She stood there with tears blinding her eyes, as she watched the world that once revolved around her is now crumbling down into tiny little pieces. Everything that has been happening in her life seemed rather melodramatic. A well-planned tragedy with such a forlorn yet blissful ending. She has finally found a new light in her life but only to witness how it’s going to be ripped off of her life.
The feeling is just like trying to chase a tiny hint of light in a long tunnel. It’s like when you running to reach the end of it only to discover that the light has already gone and you’re left alone in the dark. Panting. Not for fresh air but it’s the absence of the light itself made you feel suffocated. Morbidly asphyxiated. And to find your way back to where it’s all started felt like it’s taking you forever. Grasping for something to hold, rummaging around in the dark, in search for the unknown. Running blindly to find the origin and stop at where your last breath brought you to.
But it’s going to end soon. Grief and suffering that has been her only companion throughout this nightmare will soon be reaching its final verdict. The pain is still glorious.
She still stood there, alone, with darkness surrounds her hollow frame. Soul-less as ever. But can she really protest now? When everything turned upside down, when all plans went haywire, she only has her own self to blame. ‘I am my own worst enemy’. But regrets they just don’t work.
Wiping her tears with the back of her hands, she gave a mournful smile absent-mindedly. Thinking at least she had quite a good moment not long ago, considering herself lucky for having the opportunity to experience everything. ‘Ah, but it’s all over now. They’re gone forever and when I leave this world I shall bring the ending to this all at once’. If only things were ended in a better manner, the way she wanted it then she wouldn’t even have to be here, stuck in this God-forsaken abyss and live in utter blackness.
She could feel it in her heart that no matter how hard she tried to change them, to change everything back to normal it just won’t happen. The idea itself is a quintessence of absurdity. There’s no way to unravel this lunacy. Not in a million years. But she’s still smiling despite her silent cry. Very very soon, she will be away from this torture, away from people that have been trying to cure her so-called madness when there is no madness to speak of.
She sees it clearly now. It was a mere hilarity to everyone right from the start. But not for her. Every single event that happened that has somehow triggered one another; it is just a plain chain-reaction. A chain-reaction that has obviously led her to a total catastrophe. ‘But that’s what made me so lovable, just like a jester. Fooling myself silly and asking people to witness it.’ Look at how she paraded herself all this while. For a moment she wanted to laugh hysterically but instead she let out a heart-wrenching, long and hollow wail of agony, of hopelessness. Her weeping could shatter any soul into pieces. Her final cry.
Now, there’s a surge of blue waves coming to her direction, she could feel the icy breeze brought by the massive tide that is going to assault her vulnerable soul-less body in any minute. She couldn’t wait to be knocked down by those blue giants. She steadied her feet at the edge of the cliff, confused by this manic-depressive feeling at first, but yet she stretched out her arms in anticipation. She could feel the gust of violent wind caressing her face in a sadistic way.
The moment will soon be arrived when she would finally be hit by the crushing waves and subsequently fall into the water. She smiled in her twisted thought of being like the mad Ophelia, sleeping soundly in the flower-strewn stream. Renascence it can wait until she is all prepared. But not now, not today. Let her be, lost in her own reverie.

Prisoner of Circumstances

~this one is dedicated to 2 dear frens of mine, u know who u r... miss u guys so bad!~

Reminiscing the past,
Can I choose not to remember?
All those things that have created my fucked-up life
Lost love, pain, rejection and fears
The smiles of my loved ones, maybe even tears
I wonder…

Remnants of memories,
As shattered glass in the palm of my hands
I clutch to it, it bleeds me
I try to let it go but it just won’t leave me
That glass has dug deeper,
Every single piece of it, deeper into my soul
I felt hopeless
I have to let it go
I have to scrape my head clean
So I won’t remember him or her
So I can’t even recognize them or us
So everything will turn stark white…

Until I don’t know what happen to the world today
Until I can’t ask around to see if he’s okay
Until I won’t shed another sad tears
Until I no longer live in fears…

Just me!

Perfect I am not!

Not pretty, not slim,

Not fair, not even prim

I look at myself in your mirror

I started to feel more and more queer

Not perfect enough

Not brilliant enough

That’s all I kept hearing

Each time I hear it from you, I feel like screaming

In your eyes, I’m not lovable

Not missable, always unpredictable

I tried hard to be adorable

But maybe to you I’m just shaggable

Is that all?

Heaven knows my worth!

Sometimes I just wish

That you’ll somehow understand

How does it feel to be in my shoes

And for once be that gentleman

That will woo me,

Miss, love and care for me

Regardless of how I look

And never ever judge me by the book

Coz I’m not perfect and I never will be

What you see is what you’ll get and that would be me

Only me! Just me...